Why is it that whatever i do messes things up for others?! I really hate myself!  :evil: I mean the past few days for me have been getting worse and i just feel i'm losing control and it's gunnathe end of all hope soon if i dnt take action... shame i dont have the guts to end all hope though, so wish i did or hopefully one time i might do ... if the self-harm goes wrong ... god i wish! Then i get these other thoughts and feelings like, i wish we had a car crash on the way to skool and i'm the only one that gets killed .. or that i'm walking down the street and get attacked or kidnapped .. i really shouldn't be having these thoughts ... but they're becoming stronger everyday and everytime i mess something up ...

Today i was in Enlgish my m8s were trying to get me to act this stuff out for our oral exam and being upset and none of em noticing or even caring they kept pushing me to do it .. which made me loss my rag and walk out the classroom ... so i walked out and went to the libary where mrs pap was there talking to me .. and for the first time i felt that i could tell her anything and some stuff (not very much) came out and i told her .. but it really wasnt alot .. only the fact that i felt bad for people knowing and that i didn't wanna make ppls lives worse but adding my troubles to theirs already ... that was it .. but i i'd had a chance to talk to her longer more would of come out .. but my blasted English teacher (Mrs Health) came down to the libary and started saying that i was out of order and needed to pull myself together because i was messing up everyones grades that were in my group ... well when she went i started crying saying that 'mrs health always says that ..' as she did about my drama lessons .. blaming me if everyone gets low grades .. but mrs pap told me i was taking it too much to heart and that i should do what i want to do ..

And the one thing i wanted to do and that was to tell mrs pap more or less everything .. but i dont have the guts to say to her 'can i talk?' .. after reading up on self-harm over the weekend and realising that it can b difficult for the person whos trying to help the self-harmer .. and that it can sumtimes get too much for the person having to listen .. so thats why i don't wanna and cant talk to her as it's not fair on her nor anyone .... plus i've now gotta go the rest of the week till next Monday without having mrs pap around to talk to as she's off on a course .. so there we go .. i really dnt wanna go to skool now as if things get hard then i've got no1 to turn to and might end up going too far with the razor  :?

Whats with people that just judge you by a problem you are having?!  :evil: I mean i self-harm and its really hard being able to cope with it after my parents found out .. and another 3 months down the line after they found out and made me promise to stop i'm stillng doing it and they don't know ... and i've been doing it a year or just under that now ...

But what i don't get is why people try to judge me because of this .. and try to tell me to grow out of it .. or tell me to fu*k off and deal with my own sh*t ... it doesn't exactly help situations as i self-harm mainly because i hate myself .. it's just annoying because people dont tend to try and find reasons or try to understand whats really going on ... i filled out a form online about 4 hours ago about my self-harming:

why: Because for once its me that can take control over my own pain and 
nobody else that is causing it ... It gets out emotions and things i 
don't dare talk about because i feel that people will judge me or that 
i'd be too much to handle for someone ... Plus i injure myself to punish 
what i do wrong .. and also when other people pull me down about stuff 

how: I used to use sharp objects that are easily findable around the 
house .. like scissors, staples, safety-pins ... but recently i went out 
and got razor blades as i felt that scissors and that weren't giving me 
what i wanted from the harm ... but i still use scissors and staples 
ect .. as it's harder to cut into the skin with them and it gives me more 
control ... as with razors u just have to literaly place it on ur skin 
and press and little and move it alone to make the wound bleed ...  It 
depends on what i'm feeling and how i need to find release depends on 
what i use to do it ..

pain: not really durning it .. only after

feel: like i'm in conrol .. and usually upset, angry, depressed or just 
had a fall out or argument with sum1 ...  after it i feel guilty and 
bad that i can't accept and control my feelings in other ways .. and i 
feel like a let down to everyone ... it depends on how long a session lasts 
.. depending on what i'm using to self-harm as with razors its over in a 
few mintues .. but with staples and scissors the session can go on for 
10 - 40 mins

ritual: no ..

drugs: no .. not unless u call smoking part of that catergory .. and i 
only took that up because i was trying to find other ways to deal with 
things .. and thought that might help .. but it aint

timestop: when i feel released from whatever was bothering me .. or 
that i've become to numb with the pain to concentrate on my emotions any 
longer

stopself: i did .. and it was listening to music .. it still helps at 
times .. but 80% of the time i doesn't anymore

done with others: no! neva .. i'm too ashamed and embrassed

out: people around me know about me self-harming .. but i feel bad that 
they do .. its not something they should have to deal with a long with 
their own lives ... I now only tend to self-harm on the tops of my legs 
.. as it's easier to hide as i aint exactly got a thin figure so i dnt 
go swimming nor wear really short skirts Yeah i did know a few old 
friends .. but i dunno if they still do .. a few people i talk to on the 
net do it aswell .. thats probably y i talk to them .. coz they are going 
through the same thing

comeout: i told the I.T tech at my skool because he was online and i 
kinda mentioned that i didn't have good ways with dealing with things .. 
etc .. and he asked me questions and i eventually told him .. then 4 
weeks after knowing about it he told the libarian and my head of year ... 
and then they informed my parents .... My parents made me feel even 
worse .. as they were blaming themselves and kept asking me to talk to 
them .. but i can't as i've neva had a close relationship with my parents 
... then my mum made me promise not to do it again .. and i did promise 
.. but that made things 10 times harder ... got over the guilt part of 
breaking the promise as it's continued for 3 months after shes said it 
... plus she said she would go mad if she saw any mark or found out that 
i still did it .. As for the libarian she was probably the only person 
that i felt that cared and would listen and understand .. as the head 
of year is an arsehole .. and just cared about my parents finding
 out .. and the I.T tech couldn't give a shit and told me to sort out 
my own problems (durning one of the arguments we had)

treatment experience: no

meds: no

hospitalized: no

therapist: no .. but i feel that i can talk to the libarian at my skool 
but i feel that she might not be able to cope with it ... so i don't 
bother tryingase it becomes too much for her

consequences: i'm addicted to it and can't find ways to stop

disorders: i think depression as a m8 suggested it and i looked it up 
.. also from low-self estem

comments: Female, 16, 15, since first starting skool to now .. (yr 11 
in secondary skool) i feel that if i eva spoke to anyone about my 
self-harm that it would have be to sum1 that i'm close to but i dnt wanna 
become a burden and thats what i feel i'm gunna become .. so i dnt talk to 
anyone ..

Sorry forgot to say hi to everyone that reads his blog lol ... It's mainly a blog i've done because i need sumwhere to get out my emotions, feelings and thoughts ... As no1 is ever around when i need to talk ..  :( ...

So my problems were outta the way for half the day as i had others talking to me about the stuff they are having to deal with .. *hugs* to them people ... Plus it's about time i tried to help and listen to get my mind of my own problems ....

I sat and listened to a m8 (Maine) i hang around with pouring her heart out over this guy(Michael) she really likes and he dumped his girlfriend (Flick) to be with her .. .but when Maine went round his yesturday he told her he cant be with her as it would hurt his Flick too much .. so my m8 went mad and started crying ... as Michael had told her that once he had dumped this Flick he would go out with her ... so Maine was so happy for a day or two but then after yesturday shes really upset and confused on what to do .. so shes stuck for what to do and what to feel as she hates Michael for telling her that he dnt wanna be with her now .. but she still loves him  ... She's also upset a another guy (Rob) that likes her .. and now Rob doesnt want anything to do with Maine anymore ... because she told him that she fancied him but she didnt, not really ... so Rob thought his luck was in ... which it wasnt as Maine was in love and wanted to be with Michael ...  :?

So its hard to tell her what to do for the best  :( as being in a similar situation with a guy that liked me (Kyle) he told me he loved me, and the evening he told me i was really down and he was the only one there to talk to ... so i kinda told Kyle that evening that i liked him aswell more than a friend ... but the next day i regreted saying that as i didn't feel for him the way he felt for me... and i didn't have the guts to tell him the truth until we fell out and had an argument .. and by what he said he hurt me too much and to try and hurt him back as much as he had hurt me i told him that i didn't feel for him more than a friend .. and that i knew would! Which really hurt him .. but we're friends again now and are talking ...  :) Just hope Maine can patch things up, which i'm sure she can ...

So for the next mate that had a problem ... Rob ... Yes the guy that likes Maine and had told him she really liked him the same as i did with Kyle ... he is really upset about the whole thing and hates Maine for what she did and has told her he wants nothing to do with her ever again ... which i can see why .. but then i can see why Maine told him she liked him more than a friend ... as it's hard not to develop fake feelings for a person u know that really likes you .. and this is what had happened for Maine + Rob and Me + Kyle ... it's outta order i agree, but there we go .. loves a bitch!

Then to top it all off i got the person i fancy come online (Peter - The I.T tech at my skool ... he dnt know i fancy him though) and he said that hes week hasnt been too good .. one because its mothers day tomorrow and his mums dead .. and something about that his mums birthday is coming up ... so i can understand why he was upset ... but then to hear that this BITCH that 99% of the people in my school year hate (Ebony) was continuing to piss Peter off and had made him lose his temper on Friday after school :x ... Ebony is the kind of girl that loves herself, is really really loud, very pushy, has to get her own way, thinks shes the 'Queen B' at our school and flirts with any male in the opposite sex .. even staff members!!! And this is what she did to Peter .. she had said a few re-marks before about him and she asked him for a hug a week or two ago ... But on Friday she was again being the same annoying slut that she is with the opposite sex .. and Peter lost his temper and told her to fuck off and she said that she was going to report him for swearing at her ... but who wouldn't when shes making sexual re-marks to gain attention :roll: .. arg i could really kill her!!! He dnt deserve it, specially not with his mum and that :x